Do you have moments when you feel utterly alone? Do you sometimes wish you could change your life or the circumstances in it? Do you sometimes question, “why me?”….well I do…and today was one of ‘those’ days. Kaya had a very difficult morning and that translated into… “mom had a very difficult morning” as well.
Kaya did not want to go to school today…all she wanted was ‘mom.’ And as much as I wanted to be with her…I couldn’t. I had to explain to her that I had responsibilities at work….and that she had responsibilities at school.
“But Mom all I want is you today,” Kaya cried “School is so hard for me and I can’t do it.”
“I know that sometimes school can be hard Kaya,” I replied feeling helpless. “But you are so smart, talented, and kind…let’s make today a good day.”
We sat on the steps of her teacher’s portable for several minutes while she told me her concerns and cried into my shoulder. As I listened I began feeling like all I wanted to do was ask Ryan for advice. He would know just what to say to Kaya. I could always count on him when I felt lost or alone. Soon my eyes…right along with Kaya’s were filled with tears.
“What if Evee keeps you company today?” I asked, “And anytime you’re missing me…just know Evee is close by waiting to give you a hug.”
Kaya wiped the tears from her cheeks and looked up at me with her big brown eyes…still unsure if she could do ‘school’ today.
“I have an idea, let’s go visit Mrs. Miller (the school counselor)” I suggested.
Kaya slowly nodded her head and I grabbed her hand to walked into the school.
Mrs. Miller wasn’t in her office but the vice principle was…and she was more than willing to help kaya.
“Hi Kaya,” she said sweetly “Are you having a hard morning.”
“Yes!” I responded before Kaya could…tears were falling down my cheeks now and I’m sure the vice principle wasn’t expecting to be dealing with an emotional school student…as well as her mom.
“…um yes she is having a little bit of a hard morning,” I said trying to redeem my emotional outburst.
The vice principle just smiled at me sweetly and then focused her attention on Kaya…
I gave Kaya a good bye hug and then headed out the door…trying to mask my obvious emotion.
I got to the car and then sobbed.
It’s hard parenting ‘alone.’ I feel like I’m constantly losing my patience and ‘messing’ up. But luckily children are quick to forgive. I’m pretty lucky to have a sweet daughter who loves me even when I’m angry or frustrated…or a ‘scary’ mommy.
As I drove to work, I sat and thought about Ryan and Evee some more. I wished more than anything I could see and talk to them. I wanted to tell Ryan how much I missed him. I needed him this morning and I was feeling pretty alone.
Fast forward to tonight right before Kaya’s dance class…just like school…she didn’t want to go in. She wanted to stay with mom…
Same fears…same hesitations…same meltdown… and the same ‘scary’ mommy losing her temper and patience.
Same scene crying once I got to the car…same feeling of inadequacy and failure…same feeling of being alone and wanting Ryan and Evee.
It has been a rough day….
There have been so many times that I have wanted to hit a ‘reset’ button…
And then tonight…after tucking Kaya into bed…I walked upstairs to quiet…to stillness. I got down on my knees and pleaded to my Heavenly Father for strength, peace, forgiveness, and courage to start another day…while on my knees I hit the ‘reset’ button.
As I prayed I was reminded that I am never alone…Ryan and Evee are always with me…helping to cheer me on through life’s daily trials. I was reminded that I have a loving Savior who knows me personally…and that he has felt my deep distress and loneliness…more than anyone…he knows how to help me be a better mom…a more patient…charitable…caring mom…not the ‘scary’ kind.
Today… after feeling pretty hopeless….God gave me hope. A friend stopped by with flowers and I received a thoughtful card in the mail….
Just when I wanted to give up…I was blessed with the reassurance that I had not been forgotten.
Yes, I have wondered and asked, “why me?” Yes, I have wanted and wished I could change what life has dealt me. And yes…I have had moments when I have felt utterly and desperately alone…but it’s at those moments… that I’m reminded… I’m never truly alone.
God knows my needs and is anxiously waiting to bless my life. Sometimes it’s through others and their goodness that I’m able to see His outstretched arm…and sometimes it’s though the ‘hard’ and ‘rough’ days that I’m reminded that I need His divine strength. No…I’m not ever truly alone…
And neither are you.