The sun slowly rises above the mountain peaks and wakes my tired eyes. I lay still unable to really move. My ribs shift painfully as I try edging out of bed. The staples in my stomach and the fracture in my lower back are physical reminders of the deep hole now left in my heart. I turn my head and glance over at Kaya, who is still fast asleep. The house is quiet and no one else is awake.
It’s the day after the Ryan and Evee’s funeral. The chaos of the last week has settled and I’m left to ponder our ‘new’ and ‘different’ life and future. The pain caused from my broken ribs, stomach, and back are nothing compared to the despair I feel in my heart. I now know what heartbreak feels like…it’s not just an over-used cliché…its pain is both physical and spiritual…my heart literally hurts far more than I ever thought it could.
I start thinking about my life without my sweet husband and precious four year old…
“I can’t do it Ryan…I don’t want to live without you and Evee,” I cry out loud.
“How am I supposed to go on?”
I turn and look at Kaya once more and soon a tangible warmth and peace helps softens the pain in my chest.
I know I need to be here for Kaya. I need to live for her. She will become my whole focus. She will be my motivation to be a better wife and mother. I love her with every ounce of my soul…even if it’s now tattered and broken. She deserves all of my love and devotion. I determine at that moment to show her everyday how much I want to be here for her.
I reach for my phone and begin listening to some comforting music. In a quiet tone I listen to the words…
“The sky is still dark but the moon is disappearing… soon to be revealing the brightness of a new day. Just beyond the mountains peaks the sun is hidden in the distance…and soon we’ll feel the warmness and brightness of a new day.
A new day is born in the womb of nature…rejoice in its birth.
It promises to bring us light in this new day…
Promises to bring us life in this new day…
The sky is still dark, but the moon is disappearing…soon to be revealing the brightness of a new day.”
Jessie Clark Funk’s song, “A New Day,” really touched my heart that difficult morning. As I lay there….still….listening to her song I knew that morning…although ‘new’ and ‘different’… I could still enjoy the sunlight peaking over the mountains and my sweet daughter fast asleep next to me.
We all will have difficult days, but the joy in this life is knowing that there will always be a ‘new day.’ A day when we can try again…start over…do better.
I know that even amid tears, pain, and sorrow …each new day can bring us a little joy, peace, light, and life too. We just have to be willing to look for it.